Hello!

It’s been a while since I posted about my pregnancy journal. I guess my last post was around a year ago.  It was my first pregnancy, the one that was unexpected but I happily embraced. Then I stopped posting the journal…

Here let me tell you the recap: at around 11 weeks my husband and I went to our obgyn for regular check up and ultrasound. It was the beginning of January 2021. When the doctor checked on us, I saw his facial expression. He seemed to be confused and repeated the same ultrasound movement several times before he told us, “I couldn’t find the baby’s pulse. At this week, the fetus should be having a heartbeat and can be seen on the screen. It seemed that the fetus shrink in size.”

The doctor asked our permission to do vaginal ultrasound. We did that and it was confirmed that the pregnancy was no more. He said it was a case of blighted ovarium. A common case of fetus not developing as it should be. He gave me a prescribed medicine to push the fetus and the rest of the pregnancy out of my ovary. Two weeks after I consumed the medicine, it started reacting. One night after dinner I got terrible cramps. It went in and out. I fell asleep and suddenly awoke at around 03.00 a.m. to a very painful cramps. I was bleeding on my bed. I woke my husband up and rushed to the bathroom. Let’s just say that night was the bloodiest experience of my life.

I bled a lot I thought I was gonna passed out. It was very painful I couldn’t stand up straight. Big lumps of blood and others came out of me. I stained not just my bed sheet but also my bed. Just like a woman who just gave birth, I then had 40 days of period or nifas.

I was devastated when the doctor said that the pregnancy did not develop… I cried and hid in our bedroom for two days. I hated every one who told me that this was Qadarullah. It was Allah’s plan and that we are meant to live it with ikhlas so that he might replace it with something much better. Easy for you people to say that. You guys weren’t the one experiencing it, I said that bitterly (in my heart off course!).

To think about it… first, the pregnancy was unexpected. We didn’t really plan it so when I found out that my period was late, my initial thought was that perhaps I was under stress or exhaustion. So I took more exercises and drank jamu. Also, on December, the kids had final exam. Dil, as usual, made it hard. His habit of screaming and crying whenever he found difficulties in subjects or exam really wore me out. I had to helped him and boy he made it hard for me to help him. I had to raise my voice a couple of time and drag him off the floor. Everytime I did that, I got cramps. The cramps got more intense the more I raise my voice. He was 8 years-old. Should be old enough to manage himself through exams.

Part of me wanted to believe that the heavy exercises and jamu as well as handling Dil during exam week were the causes of my pregnancy failure. The bitter me had to find something to blame.

I believed it took me two to three months to grieve and to gradually let go off the bitter – sad – melancholy feeling altogether. It also took me a while to clear my head so that I could think straight.

It was all in the past and I tried to move on. It already happened, I couldn’t really do anything about it anyway…