I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

(Savage Garden – I Knew I Loved You)

A song that was released more than twenty years ago by one of my favorite musician, Savage Garden. Most of their song made sense to me, but this one was special. The first time this song really made sense to me was the night I met my husband. The second time it made sense again: this pregnancy.

Never have I thought that growing a little human inside my body would bring this feeling for me. I used to be cold toward kids… or at least I ignored them. Let them roamed around me but I was never that interested to interact with them. Yes, I dreamed about meeting the man of my desire and building a family together but I never fully grasped the concept nor the feeling until it really happened to me.

Right now I am going to have a child straight from my uterus. One that is a combination of my husband and I. One that will look like us. One that hopefully will inherit our good traits, continue the family values and culture (especially the whole unggah-ungguh priyayi thingy that Eyang Putri used to preach us her grandchildren…. which I’ve been teaching Day, Dil, and Dza so that they can fit in), and so on.

One that will really have that unbreakable bond with me, because he grows inside me.

I can’t wait to see my baby but at the same time I want him to be safe and sound inside me so that I can protect him from this world’s harm. Well, when my baby is born, no one can touch him without my permission first, okay? Shower first and change your outfit, wear a mask, before seeing my baby… oh and no one is allowed to kiss him!

As an introvert, I like being alone. The pregnancy made me  enjoy alone time even more. Away from the kids screaming and laughing, just my baby and I in my bedroom. Sometimes I pretended not to hear the kids so that I could get a little rest and a lot of peace. I love serenity and hate loud noises, especially when Dil suddenly scream during playtime f0r no reasons (why would a 9 year-old do that toddler thing??). I wonder why, I’ve been teaching them to have a bit of decorum for the past two years but it seems hard for them (especially the boys) to absorb and practice it. Huh.

My dear baby, we went through Covid-19 together. As much as I felt sad for “failing” to take care of myself a.k.a dodging the Covid-19 during pregnancy, I was very grateful to have you with me during that time… You motivated me to recover and be calm (at least I thought I was calm, my husband thought I was frantic hehehe). It was an experience that both of us shared together. Although at the first trimester I had trouble eating, I tried my best to provide you with nutrional foods, so that you could grow happy and healthy inside me! Did you like all the avocados and mocha flavored milk just like Mami did?

I have to confess… I feel anxious about the labor process. This is the part of pregnancy that I’ve been dragging since. No choice is not painful. Vaginal birth? Ehmm painful. C-Section? Not any better! Oh dear Allah, please give me the strength and bravery!

As much as I feel anxious about the labor process, I…. feel excited about the baby shopping! Awww can’t wait to buy all those tiny stuff and color code them!