Yesterday was the first time that I went full on doing my Sunday activities. For the past two months, I have been falling behind on any physical activities that required me to stand for a long time or to walk to and fro. Laying in bed was the best option to keep my energy afloat.
January came and I was feeling blue, somewhat isolated and lonely for several weeks. Though I smiled and played with my kids, or joking around with my husband, internally I was emotionally drawn. The most conversation I had was with myself. In my head.
What did just happen? How could it happen? Why? What should I do now? What should I FEEL now?
It was easy for others telling me to “shrug it off” somehow. They were telling me that this was a God’s will (which I did not deny). One that I must learn from and then move on. I smiled on the outside. I wished I could muster the courage to tell them, “Saying it is easy. You’re not the one living the experience.”
No one except me is living with the experience of a shattered hope while constantly trying to believe that I belong here. This part of story does not happen to them: I am trying to build a belief that I own my place here, without having a Rebecca around.
Little did they know that all of this has made me ever more isolated than before.
Have I made my peace with this? Have I figured out a solution to this matter?
Whatever the answers to these questions, I have to regain my footing. The heroines at classic literatures I read always thrive.
Sunday. Lovely Sunday
I started my Sunday morning early. Around 06.30 my husband and I watched a film together. We’ve been watching The Godfather for the last two weeks and yesterday was the final: The Godfather III. The kids woke up, cleaned up their room and showered… while waited for us to finish the film. The kids watched TV downstairs so they didn’t interrupt us. By 09.30 the film was done and I prepared breakfast. My parents had also dropped of snacks for us. I finished my breakfast quickly and headed to the kitchen.
I was preparing our lunch. This time, I made a string bean stir-fry with garlic and onion as well as Italian herbs and sausage. Italian herbs was a magical ingredient. The kids pretty much accepted whatever weird veggies I cooked with. I had ayam ungkep prepared on Saturday so that I could save my time and just fried them immediately that morning. There was a bit of tofu and tempe left so I fried them also. Yeah I know fried food wasn’t good, but we didn’t do that often. After a series of delivery foods on Sundays, eventually being able to cook my own meals felt just right.
We also had brownies for snacks. I baked them on Saturday evening so that I could watch film in the morning and have the brownies as snack. Baking was one of the thing I’ve been letting go for a while. The house was cleaned and I could even had a nap! I prepared my grocery lists and menu for the next week. We had our dinner early and watched Robert de Niro’s comedy War with Grandpa. Well, the film was funny enough although personally I thought it wasn’t as enjoyable as Last Vegas (his comedy film with other senior actors: Morgan Freeman, Michael Douglas, Kevin Kline). Plus, I didn’t think Rob Riggle playing Uma Thurman’s husband was a good fit. Jason Bateman would have been better: he had a softer calmer appearance than Riggle.
I planned to read more books now that I have more relaxed schedule than when I was still working at office. Re-reading Tilar J. Mazzeo’s The Secret of Chanel No. 5 would be nice. I bought that book when I had just been accepted at the office and I carried that book around so that I would have interesting thing to do other than being a wallflower. I didn’t read the book thoroughly back then.
- Sundays are slow
- Never pretentious, oh no
- Silent and closed
- And we don’t really have to know
- Where to go
- Sundays are meant
- To let the quilt become a tent
- Sundays well-spent
- Don’t need a reason, no intent
I remembered a song by Swedish band Edson, titled Sunday Lovely Sunday. It was one of the soundtracks of Hanung Bramantyo’s Catatan Akhir Sekolah, which by far was the best film about high school. The film was released when I was in high school, it captured the sense and memories just right.
Sundays are slow, without needing any reason other than being in the moment. Just breathe.
I slept late at night. My mind was occupied once again.