It’s been almost a year since our wedding day. We tied the knot back in January 19th, 2020 right before the pandemic hit. Ever since the wedding planning, people around me had been either poking the question.. or jokingly said, “Oh, you should get pregnant soon!” “Are you pregnant yet?” and so on. Surely this was one of the typical Indonesian small talk topic: probing on other people’s personal matter while disregarding the subject matter’s discomfort. This is why reading are encouraged: so that people have banks of topic to small-talk about!

Anyway, enough with the rant. I am married to my husband and he has three kids. All of them are in elementary school age and yes, they have been introduced to me since the first time my husband and I went out. The kids were practically tagging along and we got along well but off course, going out for lunch and playdate on a weekend are different from living under the same roof 24/7. It would require an enormous adaptation process: for the kids, for my husband, and for me.

I have been single all of my life: I worked from morning ’til evening and on weekends too! It wasn’t unusual for me to arrive home late at night or over midnight. My car was practically a walking closet… in which you could find clothes, shoes, shower amenities, make ups etc for me to survive the day. I only cared for myself and did pretty much whatever I wanted including but not limited to woke up late on a Sunday and forgot to shower. Oops! 

All of that was suddenly changed when I got married. First, I resigned from work, which was my entire world for the past 7+ years. It was a logical decision that I made after discussions with my then husband-to-be, with much considerations and late night pondering. It was not an easy decision, to give up my entire “freedom”, from someone who was rarely at home to be a 24/7 homebody and taking care of little humans. Surely time and focus is needed to adapt with the new reality, emotionally and physically. I have a huge ego and a little bit of power hunger that needs to be fed! How can I exert my power? Who can I boss around at home? *kidding!*

Second, as a married couple in a same old but also brand new household, my husband and I must find a middle ground about how we would navigate this ship. Our combined characters, life experiences and point of views  will influence how we will paint our day to day life and impose a certain kind of upbringing and dicipline for the kids.

Third, by not immediately pregnant also buy me some time to adapt with the kids, vice versa. I’m the one who’s gonna be with them most of the time. A slow but sure process of getting used to each other, building the kids’ trust and emotional attachment is necessary, and immediately having a new member of the family (that will take up much attention) is not gonna smoothen that process.

About several months ago I started to ponder. Soon I was going to be 33… with being pregnant for 9 months, I will be having a baby by the time I am about to turn 34. I want to have a baby before I turn 34, which means the oven must start baking soon! At the same time, the kids have been asking, “Mami, when will we have a baby?”. I assume they are ready for the arrival of a new family member.

In the mean time, I also start my own “baby research”. Well, it is basically me over preparing myself with tons of pregnancy related infos.

First, I talked to my cousin, Asti. I have known her since we were babies, she is detailed, a little bit prone to over-stress just like me and intelligent. I thought by talking to her, she could share me her experience and insights, to do lists, etc. And she did! And what a valuable information I gained!

I also started to read health articles and researches that relate to pregnancy planning and basically explored the entire Instagram and Marketplace for brands, products and people whom I think would provide valuable information for me later on. 

Once, my husband asked me why would I do all these when we haven’t even conceiving yet. I just simply answer, “When I’m actually pregnant, I will not have the ability to think thoroughly like this. That’s why I do my research in advance.” Typical me.

***

Sometime between late November and early December I was supposed to have my period, but it didn’t happen yet. I waited for another week (because once I had the same problem and turned out that the period started late) but nothing also happened. 

One evening, my husband came home and brought me Kiranti. He suggested that I started exercising again to help with the metabolism. I used to do low impact exercise 3-4 times a week and have been slacking for two weeks by that time. 

I drank the Kiranti and I did an hour of exercise with lots of lower body movements, semi-squat and jumping jacks. I waited for a night but nothing happened. I got very cranky… not knowing what else to do. Was I sick or something else was going on?

In the evening, as he tried to calm me down very carefully my husband suggested, “Let’s buy a testpack and we’ll see what happens. What will be, will be.”

I said yes. Coyly.

***

December, 3rd 2020.

My husband came home and brought a testpack. The next morning, after subuh prayer I decided to try it. Just to make sure with the result, I asked my husband to buy me another one from different brand, which I tried the next day.

Both testpack showed the same result. 

I now can be one of that woman who says, “I’m pregnant!”

… at least to myself.

We decided to keep it under wrap since it was still a very early stage. We haven’t even visit the Obgyn yet. On Saturday we took the kids to Tante Indri’s house for a playdate with Arwen, my niece. It was nice to keep a little secret for myself and act like nothing is going on.

One of the thing that I want is for my kids to bond with my nieces and nephews since early on. I enjoy everytime the kids are having their playdate since I get to meet my family and it feels like Lebaran. I miss being together with them!

***

“Part of being a parent is rolling with the punches, so consider an unexpected pregnancy the universe’s way of helping you to learn to do that.”– Heather Wittenberg

You know the saying, that Allah will trust us the gift of children when He sees that we’re ready. When I look back at the beginning of my marriage, I was excited but also in a full agony. As I have settled into the dynamics of my marriage life, I started to think about having a baby and did my baby research, this happens.

Things are falling into the right places, right at His timing. 

I see the beauty of it and I am forever grateful for it. Perhaps I will stumble along the way, nevertheless this will be a chapter of my life that I enjoy and cherish.

This is me, literally and figuratively, blooming.