Hello, 2019!

by | Jan 2, 2019 | Journal, Life as It Happened | 0 comments

 

Hello!

Let us be grateful for we are given another chance to flip the 365 blank pages & fill them with memories, experiences, lessons and hopefully happiness to be treasured. May this new chapter in our lives brings out the best version of ourselves and may we all be able to achieve our dreams and goals. Aamiin!

Looking back, New Year used to be a special occasions. By “looking back” I mean like 5-10 years ago when I was in high school & university (OMG I’m getting old). There were years where we spent the entire Christmas & New Year holidays for travelling either to Jakarta-Bandung, Jogja or Bali with my Mom’s side of family, as well as joined the New Year Gala Dinner at the hotel we stayed in. I went to private school just like my cousins from my Mom’s side, and in private Catholic/Christian school, we had longer holidays on Christmas & New Year which I thoroughly enjoyed more than my years in public school. Five stars hotels, privately greeted by the hotel’s GM, ate in nice & tasty (although not all are fancy) restaurants, shopping, private beach behind hotel… what’s not to like?

Although that holiday tradition ended as the passing of my Mom’s second oldest sister (who was the linchpin of the family) I’m glad & grateful for the share of experiences I’ve had during those years. So that I know what to ask for my future husband when we are going for holiday trips (just kidding!).

Also there were a time when our family would gather in my Grandmother’s house (from my Dad’s side) and spent dinner there while watching the countdown on TV. An event that afterwards never be done again since most of the family members from my Dad’s side now have deeper understanding about Islam & that in Islam, there are only two occasions to celebrate: the Idul Fitri & Idul Adha. According to the hadits we are not supposed to celebrate occasions other than those two.

Since I’ve been working, celebrating over New Year doesn’t seem like a desirable activity. Mostly I just stayed at home, watched the holiday movies played on tv and slept through midnight only to be awaken in the next year. I guess as I grow older, I have grown out of the reasons why we should celebrate a New Year. It’s the real progress that we as individuals make that worth a celebration.

“There is no passion to be found playing small–in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” – Nelson Mandela, Revolutionary, Politician, President of South Africa

I had my share of 2018. 

2018 was the beginning of my 30s. As much as I hate to admit it, it felt like it was the kind of year that drifted away. As I was writing this, I flipped my 2018 calendar back and forth trying to remember what happened.

I had ideas that I had wanted to turn into reality but I was drowned in a sea of works and routines that I lost my sight on my dream of turning the ideas into reality… All of the sudden it’s yearend already. I neglected it because I felt too tired whenever I got home from work. Most of the time, I just laid down in bed scrolling through Instagram feed and watching YouTube videos until I fell asleep. The game plan of maximizing all of my potential also a liiiiiiittle bit went down the drain. As I have proved before, if I worked hard enough to pursue what I desire, eventually I would earned it. This time I let myself down and it was something I did not proud of. 

“Get yourself some power!” – Rowan (Scandal 5 x 10)

I learned that no one will pave a way and clear a path for you. Hey, I’m not Olivia Pope anyway. There’s no Papa Pope to clear my ways! If I wanted something to happen, I have to be focused and push myself harder. Even though I was tired or felt like I have too many on my plate. Why then? Because the more I gave myself an excuse, the more I would be further than my eventual goal. One excuse would only lead to other excuses and more procrastination.

Why am I talking about this? *pointing upward* Well…        

Having a steady job is nice and I am very grateful for it alhamdulillah. I have a schedule and don’t have to worry about not having the means to pay bills and be independent financially etc. Obviously, sleeps are better at night but it is clearly a double edged sword. 

Di satu sisi, ya itu tadi hidup terasa aman dan nyaman. Namun di sisi lain, adanya pekerjaan rutin membuat kita mudah terlena dan lupa untuk berambisi dan berkreasi. Lupa bahwa manusia adalah makhluk multidimensional

I like what I’m doing but I’m not defined by this profession that I am currently doing, because I can also do many other things yang ‘lupa’ tidak terkejar/terealisasi karena terlena sama rutinitas dan kenyamanan. Comfort zone, they say. Man, it’s toxic. I know the measurement of my capabilities. I just have to push myself through no matter what. Be brave enough to embrace the unknown.

The year also consisted of regular days’ work: customer gatherings, new product launches, school visits to our branch, AFFCO event, Expo at Pakuwon Mall, GIIAS and IIMS. Many events were prepared and held overlapping one another (sometimes in such a short notice). I learned to stretch my limit and that apparently I still got that thriving under pressures kind of thing even when people could be ass sometimes.

A broken business partnership with one of our vendors taught me a lot about business integrity and trust. A wolf in the sheep’s clothing doesn’t look like a wolf. Noted!

***

Turns of events wise, August 30th marked the passing of my Grandmother from Dad’s side. She was 96 years old. Her health had been deteriorating for quite a while. She was a beautiful woman, very calm and kind… yet she was strong. She had been through a lot and survived them. As a grandchild, I had never seen her raised her voice. I guess she was the kind of person who kept things to herself. I rarely visited her because I used to arrived home from work late and felt too tired to drive to her residence. I work in the west area, my home is in the south, her residence is in the eastern side of Surabaya. I wasn’t the closest grandchild. Perhaps because I rarely visited her and never slept over at her place. At least that’s how I have been feeling. I think she worried about me and my brother. I think her worries stemmed from the fact that we weren’t close to her. She didn’t know how we felt, what we were thinking. She was in the dark when it came to us. At least that’s what I’d like to think of her.

When I just got my car, she asked me if it was a present from Dad. I told them that I got the car by myself. She was surprised… and then she asked me (in a worry tone), “…but you still want a man to marry you right?” Off course I do lah! I still want my Booth/Ross/Fitz!

I told her we would drive around in my new car and had lunch in a restaurant. But I never did…

I love her; but off course she didn’t know. Expressing feelings were not my strongest suit. I never told her. And now she would never know.

***

On a side note, I went to Jakarta twice this year: the first was for a CR Training and the second was for attending a wedding/short weekend getaway with my Mom. I still can’t figure out whether I’d like to live in Jakarta or not but one thing that’s for sure: going there always brings me a certain kind of happy feelings. Went to Jakarta was a nice refresh from the daily routine anyway!

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something. So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life. Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever.” – Neil Gaiman 

I had my setbacks, but that doesn’t mean that 2018 was a crappy year.

I learned my lessons. I regained my footings.

Thank you, 2018.
Hello, 2019!

Written by Anty

A CR Girl turned stay at home Mom of 3 kids. Missus Heroine is the place where I share my thoughts and journey adapting into my new roles as well as many other things. Here I am, in a journey of becoming the Heroine I want myself to be.

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